guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
