I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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