Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
