when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
