So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
