If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
