my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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