I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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