If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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