You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
