Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
