I can text with my tongue
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
