I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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