Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
