Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
