I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
