i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
