3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
