brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
