Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
