What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
