I need to stop coming to work sober
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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