I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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