She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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