Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
