Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
