I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
