...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
