I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
