I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
