i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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