My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
