She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
