Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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