i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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