Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize