If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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