And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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