Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
