My friends, they love my intelligence
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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