one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize