My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
