did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Randomize
