Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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