Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
