Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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