i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
