there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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