Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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