The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
