why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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