I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
