is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
