We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
