just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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