i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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