Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
