Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
