jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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