I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
