I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
