oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Randomize